Shornik

Background
Shornik, “Lethal Jester” in Shyriiwook, is a renowned Martial Artist, yes it is capitalized because he is that good at it, who is currently working for the Republic as a mercenary as he tries to gain support for his newly formed Wookiee Liberation Front (WOLF) who’s primary goal is to free Kashyyyk from its Sith oppressors.

Early Years
Shornik was born on Coruscant to two wealthy Wookiee business owners. His parents, Jenik and Kitnik went into business for themselves several years before Shornik was born, opening a small family restaurant. Their idea was simple; create a one-stop shop for all universes’ greatest delicacies. This strategy did not pan out, and after several rocky weeks, Shornik’s parents had only one loyal customer named Cosmo who ate there quite often and had become friends with the Niks. After seeing their struggles, Cosmo suggested that they change their restaurant’s menu from one of many tastes to one of just Wookiee tastes. The Niks didn’t think this would work because their traditional food tasted like frozen cat piss and most people would rather try and sandpaper the asshole of an alligator in a phone booth then attempt and eat that dried-cunt smelling food. But Cosmo told the Niks that they would have the only Wookiee restaurant on all of Coruscant and could get 100% of whatever limited market there was. The Niks still thought this idea was terrible so they murdered Cosmo for being a fucking know-it-all and mailed his wedding ring back to his wife in a letter that said your next if you don’t fucking leave Coruscant.

The Niks eventually saw great success when they changed their name and introduced a line of barbeque sauces and began serving ribs, steak, pulled pork and basically anything else that is fucking awesome. Space Chilis as it was known, became a huge sensation on all of Coruscant and by the time Shornik was born over 100 restaurants had opened. Shornik was raised by a series of Mexican woman as his parents were to busy fucking on huge piles of money in exotic locations to care that they had a son. In fact they never got around to naming him until he was about 10. In the few times they did interact with him, they only referred to him as “putito” which was what his maids called him. Very roughly translated it means little pussy bitch whose parents don’t love him.

Adolescence
Shornik was an average student who showed promise as an athlete. By the time he was 18 most of his friends had gone, and his parents wanted him to go to the academy, but Shornik didn’t give two shits about that, he wanted money and hot inter-species erotica. Shornik excelled in space baseball, which is like baseball only in mother-fucking space, he received a scholarship to go to Rice University. He attributed his pitching success to his intense focus and determination that he had learned while studying marital arts. He originally got into martial arts because he thought it could help him get laid, but soon found that chicks dig men hitting balls with long phallic shaped objects more then two men rolling around on the floor. So baseball it was. Shornik’s plan worked and he soon found himself getting the balls in the right spots, even though it was often a tight fit, where he didn’t think he could make it. His bat would always get the job done, pounding away at whatever was near, often bending and contorting but never breaking. Shornik wouldn’t know what to do if his bat broke. He also played baseball in college.



Shornik eventually found he was kicked off the team after he had a drunken orgy in the locker-room with a bunch of the other player’s girlfriends. He didn’t understand what the problem was because he had invited some of the other guys to join and said it was no-homo so it was ok, but they didn’t want a giant wookiee stretching out the pussy of their girlfriends apparently. Soon after being kicked out of college, Shorniks parents cut him off and told him that they would not support his fuck ups anymore until he showed a serious interest in something or brought home a super hot bitch that thinks she could change him into a nice guy when in reality he would just fuck her and leave. His parents had very weird demands.

Drug Abuse
Shornik began drinking heavily and became addicted to death sticks. He would pack bowl after bowl of death sticks, waking and baking every morning. It was awesome. It might to date be the happiest time of his life. He just got so high and would spend thousands of dollars at the next-door 7-11 every month. The problem was he would spend so much money there, but would sometimes forget that he bought something and just walk out of the fucking store with it still on the counter. For 2 months he lived on cool ranch Doritos alone. It was fucking amazing. Shornik eventually saw the small stash of money that he saved begin to dwindle and he realized that if he didn’t stop smoking he would be broke in a month. He had to decide if he wanted to keep smoking or stop, and with the money he would save, be able to live for about a year and a half while trying to find a way to get some money from his parents.

So next month he went back to his parents completely broke and said I need money for weed, I mean death sticks, I mean food and stuff. His father told him to get the fuck out and that he could not partake in the awesome Rodian kush that he just bought from space Shane. Shorniks mother began to emphasize with her son and told him that if he still showed a serious interest in something, anything, they would give him money for a sack from space Shane. And food and a house and other shit, but Shornik stopped listening after his dad told him he had Rodian kush. After being reminded again and again of what he needed to do, he realized that the easiest thing that he could do to show his parents he liked things other than death sticks was to get back into martial arts. He was always good at martial arts and figured it would be easier than going to college or getting back into baseball. However, he refused to learn the one form of martial arts that his parents wanted, the Wookiee art of Wrruushi, and instead began learning Teras Kasi, Hijkata and Echani fighting styles.

Martial Arts
Shornik soon began to excel in his marital arts training because he realized he could beat the shit out of people and it was entirely legal. He was enjoying his training and soon began to feel like it gave his life purpose. He first became a master in Teras Kasi, which focused on inflicting the most damage on an opponent. Already being a formidable size, he became increadibly strong and has been known to crush in a man’s rib cage in a single punch. Shornik’s favorite move is known as the Charging Wampa. The move involves charging at your opponent, attempting to hit them in the jaw, followed by a simultaneous hit of both arms on the opponent’s neck. Shornik was also partial to the Spitting Rawl move, which consists of a sideways flip, bringing one's feet down on the opponent three times before bashing with both fists at the same time in a vertical fashion.

Shornik fought across the galaxy in tournaments and soon began to build a name for him. He was not one of those pussy martial artists who learned martial arts so that way they never use it against someone in anger. He wanted to be the best at destroying people. He soon became a disciple of the Hijkata style. It focused on deflecting and countering the attacks of your opponents, turning their attacks and maneuvers against them. Lastly he has become a master in the Echani style. Echani culture held the belief that combat was the only means to truly know someone, a pure form of expression where words were swept away, allowing for action to reveal the true nature of the people involved. Shornik has become a world-renowned martial artist and will accept any challenger that wishes to face him.

Fame
Shornik not only fought to get his parents money and become space Shane’s best customer, but soon found himself capable of doing more for his people. He did what every fringe celebrity would do, which is to put his or her own personal politics into something that no one cared about. No one cared two shits about the war against the Sith when they attended a fight, they just wanted to see Shornik bash someone’s head in and snort his brains of the mat. But no Shornik decided to put himself right into the middle of a galactic issue and if anyone didn’t like it they could try and make him stop.

Initially, Shornik didn’t care much about the war. But then he realized all of the hot wookiee poon-tang that he could get if he freed all dose bitches and suddenly cared about his home planet. Shornik actually finally felt like he was actually capable of making a difference in the galaxy. Before he was apathetic and cynical thinking no one person could do anything, but then he realized that he was way better than most people and that he actually can do something that would not only help his fellow Wookiees but also make him even more famous.

WOLF
Shornik started the Wookiee Liberation Front (WOLF) which primarily consists of displaced Wookiees whose objective is to free the Kashyyyk home world from its Sith Oppressors. While primarily being a diplomatic group that seeks to lobby the Senate to send troops to free Kashyyyk, they also are a trained group of mercenaries who wish to work with the Republic to end the war with the Sith as soon as possible. Members of the group understand that if they help the Republic end conflicts on other systems, it will free up resources to send to Kashyyyk. That and they are a bunch of blood thirsty wookiees who like to bath in the blood of their Sith oppressors.

After seeing moderate success as small, tactical fighting unit WOLF was sent to the planet Umbara to search for the Antarian Rangers, another small group of fighters that apparently are not as badass as WOLF and needed to be rescued. Shornik lead the “pack” of approximately 30 members to Umbara. Once on the planet the WOLF Pack encountered heavy resistance. I mean we are talking World War II Japanese on steroids here. They would not back the fuck down. Shornik successfully lead the WOLF Pack to victory over the significantly larger force but then like 80 Sith showed up and Shornik had to fight all of them pretty much by himself. He took down about 67 of them and the Sith were all like, this dude is too fucking badass, what the fuck man, and Shornik had to agree with them. He eventually said these hands are too deadly I have to fucking stop and the Sith put him in binders as they all came closer to him. He then broke the binders and proceeded to rape all their asses. (This all definitely happened).[citation needed]

Later that night Shornik was the only one left and packed a celebratory bowl. After he smoked it he was captured but was too high and mellow to care, he figured he would just break out of this later and slaughter everyone when he came down. While he was still pretty buzzed he was brought to a holding cell with other prisoners, including the Master Jedi Y’doc and the Gen'Dai Saren. They “helped” Shornik escape and together they fought their way off the planet. Shornik now works primarily for the Republic as it determined that his amazing skills could no longer be unrecognized. He works with an equally badass crew and they fuck shit up all over the Galaxy. Shornik still hopes to liberate Kashyyyk and expand his WOLF program. He also hopes that maybe his badass crew will join him.

Personal Interests


Fucking bitches

Fighting

Weed

Cool Ranch Doritos

Listening to Hotel California